i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
