this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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