He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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