I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
