They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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