I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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