My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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