How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
