Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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