she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
