it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
