I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
