I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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