I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
