He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
