onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
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I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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