i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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