Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
