my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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