I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
