so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
