i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
