omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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