when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
