I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
