my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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