I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
