my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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