I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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