oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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