Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize