So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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