Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
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It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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