And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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