I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
