Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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