I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I faked an abortion last night.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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