i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
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So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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