I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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