He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
