Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
