He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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