is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
