apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
