At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
