i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
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dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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