There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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