wrigley field is MILF paradise
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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