im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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