She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
