life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Everything about him screamed your future.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
