my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
