I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
