You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
