glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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