did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
