I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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