Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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