i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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