You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
