Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
