Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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