foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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